This is Not a Harem Comedy
by Setsumi-san
Summary: Surprisingly, Amidamaru's four crazy suitors were much more troublesome than any swordfight. Will he choose the hot-tempered priestess, the cute but ditzy cook, the heiress who longs to see the outside world, or the seductive older woman?
1. Let's Get the Exposition Overwith

**This is Not a Harem Comedy**

A Shaman King fanfic by Setsumi-san

**Disclaimer:** Mankin belongs to the great and mighty Mr. Takei. I'm just playing dolls with his characters. I do not, never have, and never will plan to make any money off this fanfic.

**Summary: **Surprisingly, the hardest part of being a samurai wasn't the battles. It was the four crazy suitors who had vowed to win his heart by next spring. Will he choose the hot-tempered priestess, the cute but ditzy cook, the heiress who longs to see the outside world, or the seductive older woman?

**Author's Note: **Yeah, I know there are a lot of anachronisms. Hey, that's why it's called a comedy. Enjoy the crack!

XXXXXXX

A handsome and talented young samurai named Amidamaru slipped and nearly broke his tailbone on the slick wooden bathroom floor when he found the palace cook waiting for him in the shower that morning. He quickly regained his composure and sighed exasperatedly. Thank goodness he'd only been shirtless. She always popped out of nowhere and smothered him with affection. It used to be flattering, but things had gotten a little creepy after she asked him what their children's names should be.

The cook, whose name was Yukari, was just one of his countless recent romantic troubles. The samurai life had perks like wealth and attention, but not all attention was positive. His fellow warriors got horribly jealous whenever women flocked to watch him practice. The mob of maidens would usually offer to wipe his brow with hand-sewn handkerchiefs or give him water…through their mouths. Feh, it wasn't like he could _help _it!

He'd guessed the nineteen-year-old's crush happened after he'd complimented one of her snacks. She'd blushed strawberry red, squealed, and proposed then and there. Of course, nobody had ever told her that "Will you marry me?" was the number one phrase that drove men away after "Guess what _else_ is late." It was too bad because she was rather cute if one ignored the forwardness.

"Miss Yukari," he said as steadily as possible, "may I ask how you got in here?"

"I used my feet!" she chirped.

"_Please_ let me take a shower," he said patiently.

"I would, but I don't think Lord Ashikaga would like it if he found one missing," she replied.

"Miss Yukari, it just so happens that our lord has some very important news to tell me at the soiree today, and I want to look my best."

"Then put on a wedding ring for yours truly, pooky bear. Mark my words, you will be my husband by the end of this fic!"

Her long brown hair and french maid dress ruffled as she dashed toward him with open arms.

Yeah bitches: _french maid. _What? Who gives a shit about historical accuracy? You can't have a harem comedy without a moé girl! But I digress.

Amidamaru ducked just in time and forced her to somersault outside. He sighed again. Next time he would use some garlic and a crucifix on the girl!

XXXXXXX

Twenty-one-year old Shin Ashikaga was angrier than Jesse Jackson had been with Don Imus. He was the shogun's son! How the fuck was he supposed to throw a decent party if nobody knew where to put anything there in the parlor?!

"Why the _hell _are you putting the peanut brittle next to the fountain?!" he thundered.

"I don't understand what's so inappropriate about that, m'lord," a servant timidly replied.

"Don't you _know_ how hard peanut brittle is? People's molars will be flying everywhere already, and the last thing we need is for them to get lost in the water!" he snapped.

"So," said the servant, "you're saying you don't want people to discover the…the…"

"Fountain of Tooth," Shin finished, "Now be a good boy and fetch me my baby seal fur undies! I'm going to be dressed to the nines tonight, and even my briefs must be obscenely expensive," he instructed.

Shin's big brother Yoshimochi, who had been lounging in the corner, looked disgusted. Sometimes he thought their younger sister Ayame was the only normal one in the family besides him. He wasn't saying his relatives were wackos, but Britney Spears was scared to come near them.

"Little Brother," Yoshimochi asked languorously, "why are we having a party today anyhow? You know how much I hate them."

His aqua-haired sibling replied, "It's a _party. _What do you mean _why_?"

"I meant just what I said," he said.

"Hmmm…okay! Today is the two-day anniversary of you _not_ freaking out over our little sister's safety!" he giggled.

"**OH NO!!!** I completely forgot to check on her! What if she has another fever? What if she's passed out? WHAT IF THE MOLE PEOPLE HAVE EATEN HER?!!" he screamed.

"_Mole people? _Have you taken some of Dad's pills again?" Shin asked.

He ignored him. Poor Ayame had always been sickly and every time she recovered from one bug another seemed to grab her in its talons. The world was a dangerous and germ-riddled place. What if she had been foolish enough to venture outside? Worse yet…what if an unrelated _man_ had seen her?

_It will be all right as long as I can protect her. She'll live to a ripe old age…I hope,_ the brunette thought.

XXXXXXX

If Lady Ayame could have had one wish it would have been to have a room that changed daily. Isolation and boredom did not mix. She was already sick of reading, and her eldest brother was especially paranoid today. She wanted to open a window more than anything, but knew he would have her head. Oh, but…it was such a breathtaking spring day. A rainbow of wildflowers dotted the countryside, and she could hear a mockingbird in the distance. Surely no harm would come from cracking it just a _smidgen_.

The scrawny green-eyed heiress rose only to almost faint back on her bed. Damn! Why did this always happen? She _had_ to remember to stand up more slowly. Wheezing, she shuffled across the bedroom like a crippled horse. Her window seemed further away than the moon, but she didn't care. After what seemed like an hour her bony fingers touched the edge.

"At last! Ohhh…_What I'd give…What I'd daaare…just to live one day out theeeere_!" she sang.

Just then Yoshimochi stormed in and barked, "SIS! What have I told you about making random Disney references?!"

" 'Don't use any that came after nineteen ninety-five because that's when their films started to suck doggie balls.'" Ayame groaned, rolling her eyes.

"Exactly! By the way, why were you at the ledge? You weren't doing what I _think _you were doing, _were _you?" he questioned suspiciously.

"Of course not! Besides, the gardener isn't interested in boobies like mine," she said.

**Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. **A chorus of crickets filled the ensuing awkward silence.

"Okay, just for that you're not coming to the party tonight," he said disgustedly.

"But Big Brother-" she protested.

"No buts! Besides, do you think I want to see my baby sister around a bunch of strangers? Who knows _what_ they'd think when they saw a frail little lady like you?" he replied.

"Probably 'I wish I had a coat rack as nice as that one!'" Shin cracked from down the hall.

**Klonk! **The eldest Ashikaga threw a shoe at him. Ayame burst out laughing.

"Yuk it up, you brat! You'll probably end up being a side character anyway!" the blue-haired man shouted.

"Oh yeah?! At least I'm not the token gay guy!" she retorted.

"WHAT?! Katsuo and I are just childhood friends!"

"I don't think childhood friends moan each other's names in the shower, stupid."

"SHUT U-Wait. H-He moans my name when he showers?"

"Both of you pipe down! Anyway, you're not going and that's final. Don't let me catch you. As much as it seems like it, I don't want to tell Father about your behavior," Yoshimochi said firmly.

"Yes Big Brother," she sighed.

XXXXXXX

At last it was time for the festivities to begin. The decorations were set up, the food was spread out, and there was plenty of crack for the VIP guests to smoke. The problem was that the only guests were a local priestess, a noblewoman, and Oogla the village idiot.

"Where is everybody, Amidamaru? We can't have a good party with only three guests," Shin complained.

"You still have everybody who lives here," he pointed out.

"They don't count," he said, "What on earth could be keeping the others away?"

"Perhaps they were a bit…exhausted…after last month's soiree."

"Are you calling our parties _disasters_?"

"Of course not, m'lord."

He did not add "Although things might have gotten a little out of hand when the greased up yak stampeded through the hall."

"Oogla like pie!" Oogla babbled, planting his face into the buffet.

Meanwhile, Tsundere the Shinto priestess gazed at Amidamaru from across the room and sighed longingly. When she was a girl she tried to catch sunbeams to be prettier because she had been taught that the sun goddess was the source of all beauty. Now she wasn't so sure that was true. Either Amidamaru was more handsome than any immortal or she was in love with a male form of the sun goddess.

Just then a sultry female aristocrat sidled up to her and said, "Don't bother staring, honey. He's already had a taste of _this_ cougar."

Tsundere felt the jealousy stewing in her veins and growled, "You're a liar and a slut, Kin!"

"Tut, tut, tut! Is that any way to speak to the emperor's cousin? Oh that's right, you don't have the _brains_ for proper etiquette."

"At least my tits don't scrape the ground when I walk, you old hag!"

"_Old hag_? I'm only thirty-four!"

"Yeah, thirty-four hundred."

"Ha! You just wish you could be as gorgeous at twenty-two as I am now. Now stand aside and watch the mistress of seduction at work."

Kin sauntered up to the samurai, pushed her thick indigo hair back, and struck up a friendly conversation about the weather. Tsundere hated to admit it, but she was horribly jealous of her. She really _was _confident, rich, and still sexy as hell. Was she the only one who saw her arrogance?

_I'll show her,_ the priestess seethed; _I'll show her that he loves me and me alone!_

XXXXXXX


	2. Yojimbo no Kokoro

**This is Not A Harem Comedy**

A Shaman King fic by Setsumi-san

Chapter Two: Yojimbo no Kokoro

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"Why can't I go? He treats me like a child," Ayame sulked, flopping down on her pillow.

She opened the Koshiki and consoled herself with stories of monsters, gods, and heroes. A servant would normally read to her, but the last one had been executed for giving her a nearly fatal case of the flu and she'd had to learn herself. Books were her sole comforts and sometimes she wondered if there were living legends like Prince Onamuji beyond her window. Maybe he was in the parlor now.

Although Big Brother took good care of her and almost always gave her everything she wanted it didn't stop the loneliness. He just didn't understand! She considered complaining to her father, but he didn't care what happened to his children at all. If only Mother were still alive to talk to.

She stroked the parchment and whispered, "Prince Onamuji…you men have everything. I'll bet no one stopped _you_ from going where you pleased."

No, no one ever did…and for once she was going to follow his example! She staggered out of bed, opened an air duct, and crawled inside. Ayame Ashikaga was an adult, and she'd be damned if she wouldn't finally start making decisions like one!

XXXXXXX

Meanwhile, the emperor's cousin was about to make an outrageous proposition to say the least.

"You know, you're a very talented swordsman. Between you and me, I think you're too good for the Ashikaga family," Kin told Amidamaru.

"You flatter me, Lady Tsuyomonin," he replied modestly.

Although he was not an easily flustered man he couldn't help glancing down and smiling slightly. It wasn't every day a member of the royal family complimented you. Not to mention the fact that she _was_ a rather attractive older woman.

"See here, how would you like to serve me instead? I'll give you everything your heart desires: money, jewels, and a splendid position at court," she offered.

"Thank you m'lady, but I fight for the Ashikaga family," he said.

"I never said anything about fighting," she whispered coyly.

Then to his great surprise she wrapped her arms around him and straddled one leg over his hip like a ballroom dancer. He blushed furiously and his palms grew sweaty. Women weren't supposed to be such animals!

"I need a new toy. All the others were featherbrained kiss-ups…but you…you have that princely quality I used to dream about. Be my lover and you'll get anything you want," she purred.

_Toy?_ What nerve! The woman took him for a piece of meat! He was a _warrior_, not a _lapdog!_

He quickly shoved her away and hissed, "Madam, I will _never_ consider such a degrading position!"

"What? But…all the others couldn't resist such luxury!" she sputtered.

"I am _not_ like all the others. Now if you will excuse me, I have to speak with my master. Good _day,_" he answered quietly.

Kin watched him leave in amazement. Who was he to get on his high horse? Didn't he know who she _was?_ No one, not even her mother, had ever told her no. He certainly _wasn't _like all the others. He was…a challenge.

"Oh my gentle bejeezus, am I going to be the harem slut? Nobody likes that stereotype! Characters like Ryoko and me set female progress back a hundred years," she groaned.

"I'd say pre-Shippuden Sakura is more responsible for that," Tsundere said.

"Shhh! Are you trying to make the Narutards kill us?"

"Nah, just you. I got the idea from my One Hundred Ways to Piss Off Nerds book. It's right between declaring your love for 4kids and dissing marching band."

"Keep dreaming because I don't intend to die without catching him. When'll you just save yourself the heartbreak and give up?"

"When the United States elects a black president, bitch. Bring it on!"

XXXXXXX

A few minutes later Amidamaru was kowtowing respectfully in front of Yoshimochi behind the future shogun's private curtained area. He'd been so excited and nervous about this news that he couldn't sleep for weeks. All he'd told him was that it was important and top secret. The Ashikagas weren't as gentle and artsy as their predecessors, so today his heart would either soar happily or be carved out of his chest.

"Listen Amidamaru, my father and I have noticed that you're clearly a diamond in the rough. You are strong, obedient, and cultured. In fact, we like you so much that we're promoting you," Yoshimochi said.

The samurai kept his composure even though he was so overwhelmed that his mouth dried up. This was it! There would be no more tears, starvation, or injustice for him. Dreams really did come true.

_We have done it, Mosuke,_ he thought.

"You are to be my sister's head bodyguard," his master commanded.

"Your…sister?" he questioned, lifting his head.

He knew there was a girl in the family but very few residents had seen her, much less spoke about her for fear of angering her eldest brother. All kinds of rumors floated around the village about the Ashikaga maiden. Some said she was locked up because she was a cannibal or too fat to leave her room. He was very curious about this.

"Yes. Now, I have only three rules for taking care of her: Never let her outside, protect her virginity, and swear that you are a eunuch. Are we clear?" he asked.

"What is a eunuch?" the swordsman said.

"It's somebody with no balls like a special kind of monk or Chris Crocker. We can't have you getting ideas,_ can_ we?" he explained a little too sweetly.

He gulped and said, "Oh no, m'lord. You can trust me."

"Everybody gather round! We're going to play a game that will provide an excuse for a string of sex jokes!" Shin announced.

XXXXXXX

"Gah, these air ducts are more confusing then Father's Day in Harlem," Ayame groaned.

"Hey lady! As a black man I find that offensive!" squeaked a random cockroach.

"You're not black. You're…a sign that I've probably inhaled too much soot," she mumbled.

"It's still offensive!"

"Look dude, do you want me to be politically correct or funny? And don't make some smart remark like, 'Try both, dur hur hur!'"

"I was _going_ to, but you took all the fun out of it."

"As long as you're here, could you please point me in the direction of the parlor? I have a party to get to."

"Keep going until you come to a fork in the road. Then make a left and go straight down."

"Thank you and goodbye, anthropomorphic hallucination!"

She ran…er…_crawled_ as quickly as possible to her destination.

XXXXXX

"Oooh, sex jokes! I wouldn't miss this for the world," squealed Yukari as she popped out of nowhere.

"Ahh! Where did YOU come from?!" Tsundere shrieked.

"Mommy always said I was a surprise," Yukari answered.

"We believe you, dearie," Kin said dryly.

"Yes, well shoot a horse and get a paternity test because we're going to play Tease," Shin announced.

Kin looked pleased, the priestess stared shyly at the samurai, and Yukari obliviously picked her nose.

"Come now, Little Brother. What are you, fourteen?" Yoshimochi groaned.

"Would you rather play Guess Which Poisonous Reptile Is Stuffed Down Your Pants again?" he asked.

"Point taken," his brother sighed.

"The rules are simple," he explained, "Everybody pairs up and you must try to get your partner to make a move without touching them. The first to make a move loses and the couple that last longest without physical contact wins. Now get busy!"

"Sweetie-kins, would you like to be my-**HEY!!**" the cook and the cougar screamed together when they realized Tsundere had already stolen him.

"The _nerve_ of that girl!" fumed Kin.

"Yeah, how dare she try to take away _my_ man!" Yukari snapped.

"_Your_ man? Oh yeah, I forgot there are always at least five girls in these things," she grumbled.

"Not in this one. We didn't have enough funding, so we'll have to go without a stereotypical genius," Yukari said.

_The less rivals the better,_ thought Kin; _anyway…whom can I use to make him jealous?_

She spotted the shogun's oldest son and smirked.

XXXXXXX

Shin sighed once he realized that there weren't any handsome men. He'd wanted to invite some of his concubines, but his father had forbidden him to do it in public. Keeping a good reputation was the only thing he loathed about the high life besides not knowing who his real friends were. Why couldn't he have a nice escort…or at least Katsuo?

_Katsuo probably would have been a better choice. At least he's always honest with me,_ the blue-haired man mused.

Sometimes, such as the time when he blurted that Shin badly needed some deodorant at their father's last birthday party, he was a little too the other hand, he was the only person who would fight anybody who looked cross-eyed at him. It was comforting to see that loyal grin and savor that scent of leather. His heart sank a little. He wished he were here.

Just then he felt a strong hand clap his shoulder and involuntarily flushed.

"K-Katsuo?!" Shin shouted joyfully, turning around.

"Me have present for partner!" Oogla, the owner, jabbered, holding a dead rose.

"AHHH!!! I FORFIET! I FORFIET!!" he screamed.

XXXXXXX

Meanwhile, Tsundere began to regret her boldness. She was a spiritualist, not a siren! How the hell was she supposed to seduce Amidamaru?

"So…have we met?" the warrior asked innocently.

Tsundere crashed to the floor, but quickly disguised her chagrin with rage.

"Have we MET?! Of course we've met, you idiot! You came to pray at my temple once and it was love at first sight for me! I'm unreasonably expecting that you'll count that as a meeting now!" she screamed.

"Oh! I am very sorry. I did not mean to offend you Miss…Miss…"

"TSUNDERE!!"

"Miss Tsundere. Really."

"I don't care! I ought to have you-**AHHH!!**"

Before the priestess could finish she slipped on her hakama and he caught her. Time was bottled as their faces grew red as roses and she gazed into his eyes. She wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Now she looked like a harpy _and_ a klutz!

"I suppose we have lost," he said sheepishly.

XXXXXXX

Kin had to admit that he wasn't a bad second choice. Sure, his face was a little too hawkish, but that was to be expected given his parentage. On the other hand, his power and cunning were turn-ons. Maybe she'd see how good he was in the sack later.

"If you're as good at sex as you are at politics then we'll have a lot of fun tonight," she said silkily.

The heiress slowly bit into an orange and let the juice trickle down her chin and neck. She teased the fleshy inside with the tip of her tongue and moaned. Her partner lied down teasingly, opened his yukata, and thrust his pelvis up. This game was more fun then he remembered.

"Damn. I guess Tsuyomonin women aren't as shy as I thought they were, huh?" he murmured.

"The royal family isn't as untouchable as everyone thinks," she said seductively.

"Listen, I know you'd want to cut loose even if we weren't playing this game. You're very sexy, but neither of us can tarnish our good names. Besides, I don't want you to get attached to me, m'lady," he whispered.

"Neither do I. Come on…no one has to know. What do you say we find some place more private, baby?" she offered.

He answered by lustfully kissing her and forcing her into the next room's closet. She struggled not to moan the wrong name as he suckled her neck. Her dream lover had to hear them sooner or later. Her ego demanded it! At least… that was what she told herself.

XXXXXXX

"Uh…I'm sorry for overreacting. I w-was just upset that someone as…distinguished… as you didn't notice me," the miko mumbled.

"That is quite all right. What god do you worship?" he inquired.

"I am a priestess of the Lord of All Angry Anime Girls: Akane Tendo, Kagome Higurashi, and Himeno Awayuki," she replied somberly.

"You mean…"

"Yes. I follow Hare Bitch-na."

"Do his worshippers really believe that they have the power to win any argument?"

"Yes, but only if they please him properly. It is said that he will come to Earth again to settle the great Taco Bell versus Pizza Hut Debate. Between you and me, I hate both."

"I have always been happy with my rice bowls myself."

"Really? I thought somebody so respected would love going to all these banquets. Gosh, you're handsome _and_ humble!"

She instantly covered her mouth and his eyebrows climbed to the top of his forehead. _What_ did she just say? Brunette and brown-eyed Tsundere was neither a beauty queen nor a mud duck…yet her remark made something inside him click then. He studied her closely for a moment. Her braids were ankle-length, so she was probably either too poor to get a haircut or forbidden to. She was taller than most women and lacked big breasts, but her tight round butt and legs compensated for it. With a little makeup and some new clothes she would be a knockout.

Amidamaru quickly purged his dirty thoughts. No. Women were bad distractions for samurai because they made them softhearted. He'd sworn to remain a bachelor forever on the same day he made his goal, and Mother Nature herself could not stop him. There was no sexual use for Miss Tsundere …or Lady Tsuyomonin and Miss Yukari.

"Eh? Why am I thinking about Lady Tsuyomonin and Miss Yukari?" he whispered.

"Huh? What about Yukari?" the priestess questioned.

"Oh, I was just wondering where she went," he lied.

As if on cue a dirty stranger fell through the ceiling onto the poor maidservant. Guests screamed, soot rained everywhere, and Yoshimochi and Kin burst out in nothing but leopard skin undergarments. He stormed up to his sister with lightning in eyes and an apocalyptic aura. The parlor practically sizzled with his rage.

"Ayame," he growled.

She whimpered and cowered like a puppy that had been caught chewing the rug.

"This…is… _inexcusable!_" he sputtered.

Ayame nervously shielded herself with the half-conscious maidservant and scanned the room wildly for something to knock him out with. Shit, shit, shit!

"WHOEVER STUCK YOU UP THERE IS GOING TO HAVE HIS NUTSACK STUCK IN HIS EARS!! Oh, my poor sweet baby sister! Let's have your new bodyguard carry you up to the bathroom, shall we?" he gushed.

Everybody crashed to the floor anime style.

"Uh…who is my new bodyguard?" the green-eyed girl questioned.

That was when the definition of poetry in motion helped her up and wiped her cheek with his thumb tenderly. She gasped as the lighting bolt of love struck her heart. He was the most breathtaking thing she'd ever seen! He had an angel's face and amazing bluebonnet colored hair.

Amidamaru kowtowed and declared, "Lady Ashikaga, I hereby swear on the Seven Virtues to protect and obey you. Do what you will with this unworthy servant."

The other women gave Ayame looks that could have turned an army to stone. He didn't have to be so…so…_knightly_ just because she was his new mistress! Kin plotted to have her brother-in-law destroy her. Tsundere tried to remember some good curses to inflict on the girl. Yukari decided she would have to "accidentally" put some rotten fish in her lady's dinner tonight.

"Will…you _really_ follow every order?" the shogun's daughter asked.

"Yes," he swore.

She swallowed a tennis ball of nerves and whispered, "Eat my cherry _right here_."

Kin, Tsundere, and Yukari screamed as he knelt.

"What is so bad about Lady Ashikaga not wanting the fruit that fell out of her pocket?" he asked.

"Fruit? Oh yeah…f-fruit!" Yukari stammered.

Suddenly, Tsundere stormed toward the center of the room and shouted, "All right that _does_ it! I can't take any more romantic competition, so let's cut to the chase! One of us must win Amidamaru's heart by next spring and if nobody succeeds then we leave the country forever. Anything goes except killing your rivals or trapping him with a baby. UNDERSTAND?!!"

"What? You can't do that!" the cook protested.

"What's the matter? Don't have the guts?" the priestess mocked.

"_I'm_ in. Nobody can resist me, so this will be a piece of cake," Kin said smugly.

"Well, he's _my _servant," hissed Ayame, pulling the bewildered warrior closer.

"Fine! I'll take on your stupid challenge. As a matter of fact, you'll see what I have up my sleeve three days from now!" Yukari snapped.

Amidamaru stood there looking like he'd just returned to a ransacked house. He wasn't sure whether to be flattered or afraid. What had he gotten himself into?


	3. Butterflies Gone Bonkers

**This is Not a Harem Comedy**

A Shaman King fanfic by **Setsumi-san**

XXXXXXX

Chapter Three: **Butterflies Gone Bonkers**

XXXXXXX

Nobody knew it, but Ayame had also concocted secret romantic plans then…if she could _just_ get a freaking moment alone. Her new bodyguard was with her everywhere except the tub. (Actually, she wouldn't have minded if he followed her _there, _but that was beside the point.) On one hand it was great to have a sexy man ask how high whenever she ordered him to jump. On the other hand there was a fine line between servitude and being overbearing.

"I _truly _appreciate your loyalty. However, you didn't have to keep me away while you practiced in the courtyard," the green-eyed woman said irritably.

"Forgive me. Nevertheless, 'tis no place for women who have not been trained," he explained.

"Okay, but did you have to lick every spoonful of food before I ate?" she asked.

"It could have been poisoned," he said.

"Well, what about bombing that snake with a heat-seeking missile?! One: Let me remind you that that snake turned out to be a stray hair that fell out of my brush! Two: Where did you get a missile in this day and age anyway?!"

"Forgive me, but it is my duty to take all precautions. As for the missile, let us just say your father has many connections."

"GRRRRGH!! All I want is some girl time with my hairstylists! Why are you doing this anyway? Nobody said you had a reputation for paranoia when I inquired about you!"

"Your protection guidelines were presented to me by Lord Yoshimochi. I am afraid he would not accept my ideas."

Ayame blushed shamefully. She should have known Yoshimochi was responsible. Nobody disobeyed him regardless of whom they served. Even some of Father's most trusted lackeys feared him. Father LIKED to believe he had control, but Yoshimochi had manipulated him ever since he was eighteen.

If she didn't distract him before dinner she would never complete his fabulous surprise! She had to strike before dinner because Kin Tsuyomonin would be visiting for a long time and the cook would pop up no matter what. Tsundere was less threatening since she had to attend to her shrine. What to do?

Suddenly, she smelled something musky and saw two cans of red paint by a half finished wall. The Shogun's daughter beamed. The walls needed painting, hmm? Perhaps if she played this right Cupid's arrow could still strike!

XXXXXXX

Shojo manga style bubbles filled the room while Yukari twirled gleefully and with a caged butterfly in her hand. She was a genius. A _sheer_ genius! Her magical new pet would win the samurai over for certain!

"Tee-hee! It is well known that the royals used to release butterflies at garden parties and any lady they landed on was courted and showered with gifts. Once Amidamaru sees this one alight on me he shall see that we are destined to be together, and I shall taste my rivals' tears! MWAHAHAHAHA!!" Yukari giggled deviously.

"Why the hell are you in my bathroom telling me your evil plans?" Kin asked disgustedly, popping a few bubbles in the tub.

"Aw man! I've gotta learn how to keep my mouth shut. This is more embarrassing than what I said at my uncle's funeral," she groaned.

_* * *_

_Flashback: Japanese countryside, summer 1406_

"_Wahh! I can't believe my father is gone!" sobbed Yukari's cousin._

"_Aww, there there. It's not so bad. Everybody else knows your **real** father is in prison for lewd conduct with eight-year-olds," she soothed._

_* * *_

"What kind of nincompoop are you?" asked Kin.

"Oh, a pretty standard one. I'll tell you what… If you forget I revealed my plans I'll forget about your obvious third nipple," the brunette said.

She glared at her. A balloon of tension inflated. Three bubbles popped.

Finally she replied, "I hate you."

"Yippee! Now it's time to train it," Yukari chirped.

She opened the cage, and for a moment her rival was too taken by its beauty to be jealous. She'd never seen such a creature. It had violet wings with shimmering black spots and a long silver tail. It was almost…foreboding.

She shook her head and kept bathing. If that thing were dangerous then higher forces would send a warning sign.

"C'mon Agony, land on Mommy's hand," Yukari crooned.

"Y-You named it Agony?" she stammered nervously.

"_Heavens_ no! He was named by the ex-con I bought him from. I can't understand why he was so eager to get rid of him," the younger woman answered cluelessly, "Y'know what else is funny? He hasn't touched his nectar today either."

Lady Tsuyomonin immediately pulled the wooden and paper door shut and got dressed without bothering to dry. She might have been an egotistical slut, but she wasn't stupid. For a moment she considered if the cook was pretending her pet was sick…but there wasn't any good reason for her too. Something stank.

"C'mon, Agony! I'll give you a biscuit!" Yukari urged.

She stepped back a few yards to seem less threatening and after a few seconds it tentatively fluttered out. The maidservant squeaked joyfully and fantasized about how many bridesmaids she would have.

That is, until it landed on a pile of towels and made them explode. The women screamed and clung to each other like magnets. That was no butterfly!

XXXXXXX

"I have changed my mind about getting my hair styled and want you to paint this wall with your bare hands for me instead," Ayame ordered.

He bowed courteously and said, "Yes ma'am, but why do you want me to use my bare hands?"

"Because it's much harder to paint with your butt," she answered.

It was difficult to tell whether she was kidding. Perhaps he would never get used to this family. He'd seen mental patients who were more predictable than them.

"I shall sit and read one of the classics," she said, "A-hem! The Plant That Ate Dirty Socks by Nancy McArthur…"

He stroked the wall and resisted the urge to sigh when he saw his red palms for they reminded him of sewing up wounded comrades. Sometimes he felt guilty about his cushy new position. Why couldn't all of them be together?

Had any more of them caught cholera? Was one of them screaming because an arrow had skewered his gut? Did one of them have his hand stuck to the wall?

Wait…

_**Stuck to the wall?!**_

"Lady Ashikaga, there is glue in this paint!" he cried, snapping out of his trance.

"I know. Father insists it's the best kind," she happily replied, slamming her book shut.

"Why did you not tell me?"

"You didn't ask! Toodle-oo! See you in the zoo!"

She picked up her robes and dashed away.

"Lady Ashikaga! Lady Ashikaga, please wait!" he called.

Damn! If the Shogun's only daughter disappeared it could spell disaster for _both _of them. He quickly spat on his hands, but it made poor lubricant. Cursing, he strained until the veins bulged in his arms, beads of sweat trickled down his rosy face, and…and his shirt ripped open…and_…_his gorgeous mane thrashed everywhere…and his coc-

"There shall be _no_ fan service in this chapter!" he snapped at the writer.

Okay, okay, okay! _Sheesh! _Can't a lady fish for publicity?

Finally, he tore away with only a few splinters stuck to his palms and ran after her. Ayame, now several hundred yards ahead, panted until she thought her lungs would explode and her vision became grainy. The hallway paintings and import vases looked like blurry puzzle pieces. After what felt like a millennium she stumbled through a gold and opal door.

_Don't pass out. Don't pass out. Don't pass out, _she urgently thought.

XXXXXXX

The next thing she knew she was in his arms and two guards were fanning her.

"Well…maybe passing out isn't _always _bad," she mumbled, smiling weakly.

"Did you need something, Mistress?" the samurai asked urgently.

"I-I said I need a drink of water!" she stammered.

One guard brandished a canteen and said, "Here. I fetched this when we saw what happened."

The heiress guzzled it eagerly…until she tasted brine.

She spat it out and yelled, "BLEH! Where did you _get_ this?"

"Out of the cellar," the guard replied timidly.

"You incompetent fool! That's where we store the pickled camel spleens!" she screamed.

"Camel spleens?" her bodyguard asked in shock.

"My-_ugh-_father has a lot of weird collections. He's collected stranger things though," she explained.

"How much stranger?" he asked.

"Five words: Turds From 'Round The World," she grumbled.

Once she recovered he noticed the spectacular décor. It was a humongous indoor paper flower garden with a pathway running through the center. Sunset red rose bushes graced the front while clovers and plucky orange daffodils were in the rear. Next to them was a mountain of fine silk pillows and a something hidden under a pine green sheet. There were even cherry blossom trees with sharp origami trunks and thin pink petals. He fingered a flower in wonder. What impressive craftsmanship!

She blushed and asked, "Do you like it? This way I can enjoy their beauty without sneezing or coughing."

He nodded absentmindedly and carried her onto the pillows. Her palms became sweaty and her heart danced. The more she looked at him the more convinced she was that he was an upgraded male Pandora: chivalrous without being wimpy. She couldn't say anything stupid! No matter how giddy she got she _couldn't_ say anything stupid!

"You're so prettyful that I want to wear some trout skin bloomers and dance the polka with a chicken!" she blurted.

He stared at her like she had the plague and she smacked her forehead. So much for playing it cool.

"Yes……….Well…shall I cover you?" he asked.

"NO!" she screamed immediately.

"Why? What is the matter?" he asked.

She stuttered helplessly. Whatever happened he could _not_ see what was under there! That was where she hid her secret weapon! If he saw it before it was finished she could _never_ redeem herself!

XXXXXX

Kin smacked the cook and screamed, "How dare you try to kill me with that monster!"

"I didn't know it would do this! Honest!" she cried.

"Well gee, maybe buying it _from an ex-con _was your first _warning sign!_" she screamed.

"Shut up, you idiot!"

"Bubblehead!"

"Old hag!"

"Comedy relief!"

"Ryoko wannabe!"

"If brains were money your bank balance would be negative five million bucks!"

"Oh yeah?! You've been ridden so much they're gonna name a roller coaster after you!"

"At least men _want_ to ride me!"

"Well at lea-Wait! WHERE DID IT GO?!?!"

"Oh no! Ami-kins!"

**BOOM!! **As if on cue, sawdust blew in violently from the hall and the doorway began to crumble. The Royal's adrenaline surged and she dragged the other girl outside as though a pride of lions was after them. She shielded her eyes and coughed on the sawdust. Where was that little monster?

"Chasing is useless! There's only one thing to do!" she cried.

"Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye?" Yukari whimpered.

"**NO!!** Find and warn the man we love!" she snapped.

They raced down the hall and desperately called his name. Guilt gnawed the brunette's stomach. Why hadn't she been more cautious? If that thing got near her love…

_No! This is no time to go to pieces, Yuka-Yuka! You can fix this! You are cute, clever, and… Okay, maybe you're not **that** clever. Still, don't lose hope!_ she thought.

XXXXXXX

Meanwhile, Amidamaru and company was rudely interrupted by the explosion's aftershock. His mistress screamed and he immediately jerked her closer.

"Wha-What's happening?!" she squealed.

"Either we're under attack or your family's started celebratin' the Fourth of July early!" shouted the guard.

"We do not celebrate the Fourth of July in Japan," Amidamaru pointed out irritably.

"Oh, I'm sure that's what's going on. I'm as sure as Rihanna is Mexican," he said.

"Rihanna is black, you idiot!" Ayame snapped.

"From what? Did that guy give her more bruises?" he asked.

_**Ker-boom!! **_Another paper tree fell over. The samurai bravely tossed her back and signaled to the guard to shield her while he fended off the mysterious attacker. In the midst of all the terror and chaos she couldn't help gazing at him. He braced himself…and relaxed when he saw Yukari's pet flutter through the cracked door.

"Phew! It must've been fireworks after all. Heh heh! Hello, little fella," laughed the guard.

**BOOM!! **It alighted on his wrist and he died instantly. The warrior gasped as he had an epiphany. Of _course!_ He _knew_ he'd seen that creature somewhere before!

"Do not touch that if you wish to live m'lady, for that is the deadly Coola-Coola bug!" the samurai said.

"Huh? What do you mean?" she queried.

"Assassins use it to poison people. One touch means instant death, and that is if the victim is NOT allergic to the venom."

"Wh-What happens if they ARE allergic?"

The silence in his eyes told her she did not want to know. Before they could say anything else it chomped a hole in his whatever samurai bottoms are called. Both of them blushed head to toe as his ass hung out for the world to see.

"V-Vile creature!" he sputtered.

Enraged, he sliced it in half and an anime-style sweat drop trickled down his lady's head.

_Anger management much? _she thought.

All of a sudden it dawned on her that he had been bitten! She gasped and suppressed a flood of bile. Not him, not him, not him! He deserved to die of a triple X-rated honeymoon with her, not of a damned _bug bite!_

Suddenly, the other ladies streaked into the room. No, it wasn't _that_ kind of streaking…although some people might not mind if this story's rating was changed.

"Darling! There's a monster on the loose!" blurted Kin.

"And we don't mean a yaoi fangirl!" cried Yukari.

"I know; I know. I was bitten," he responded quickly.

"WHAT?!" they screamed.

Ayame tearfully explained everything.

"You MORON!! How could you let this happen?" Yukari screamed.

"Oh, it was easy. First I let my guard down, and then-"she said.

"I didn't mean it LITERALLY!" she barked.

"This is no time to bicker, kids," the oldest said, "We can save him if we find someone with the antidote. Ami-baby, do you know what it is?"

He though and answered, "No…but a certain old village woman might. Ahh, but only my best friend knows where she lives," he groaned.

"So they'll deploy soldiers to his house so he can contact her and then they'll take her here," Yukari said nonchalantly.

"Are you a fool? The shogun won't let anybody that poor into the palace unless they could help a family member. I hate to say it, but he would rather replace a soldier than help him. We'll have to take him there ourselves," said the indigo-haired woman.

"No. I cannot leave Lady Ashikaga," he insisted.

"Already taken care of!" the cook chirped, producing a large cheese sculpture of the samurai out of seemingly nowhere.

"Where…did that decoy come from?" Ayame murmured.

"I work with food and I get very lonely at night. Think about it," she said.

"Eww," everyone murmured.

"Anyway…to the village!" the cook cheered.

"To the village!" Kin cheered.

Amidamaru looked at his mistress questioningly and then she nodded and smiled wistfully. Her plans could wait a little while longer if his safety were ensured. Even though it wasn't her fault that he'd gotten hurt it still _felt_ like it was.

"M'lady…how could I have let my guard down around such a trivial opponent? Forgive me. I swear to commit hara-kiri if nothing can be done for I shall not be a babbling fool," he promised her solemnly.

"Amidamaru," she whispered sadly.

Before he could blink she impulsively grabbed his hand and tears formed in the corners of her eyes. Her frigid porcelain doll hands would have made most people shudder; yet they were giving him an unnamed surge. What…was this feeling?

It wasn't fear because she was the least intimidating member of the family, and it wasn't enthusiasm since his fate was still uncertain. No, this was something fast-paced and-dare he said it-_addictive._ The swordsman suddenly felt a hundred times more loyal than before. This was _amazing!_

"You…will come back. That is not a request," she whispered fiercely.

He just bowed and murmured, "Yes."

They stared at each other and forgot about the disaster for a few more seconds. The world grew brighter. Something inside of him throbbed like a jackhammer.

"You…will come back………because……….I need somebody to reorganize my sock drawer. It's such a pain to roll 'em into little balls, y'know," she said.

He groaned and smacked his forehead.


End file.
